Ask Anna: How Can I Keep My Long-Distance Relationship S-E-X-Y?

Ask Anna is a s-e-x column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphics.

Dear Anna,

I am a 29-year-old student in a long-distance relationship. I have been with her for several months and I still want to keep things interesting between us. Any advice? I don’t want things to get cold if you know what I mean. I'm really attracted to her and I know physically I can’t be there. —Keep It Interesting.

Dear KII,

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, the adage says, neglecting our loins entirely, like an asshole.

Long-distance is hard in many respects, but it also has its perks. It forces you to be creative with your partner about how to satisfy each other’s physical needs without physically being there. And do you know what’s conspicuously absent from many established couples’ s-e-x lives? Creativity! You’re winning already! And we haven’t even brought up long-distance strip Mario Kart competitions! Damn, you’re good.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that phone s-e-x exists and was invented for this specific purpose, along with, one could argue, text messaging, Skype, FaceTime, Google Hangouts and any other video chat service you can think of. But in case you do need me to tell you, there you go. You can use technology for erotic reasons!

But how? As I discussed a few weeks ago, in “How do I get out of a s-e-x-u-a-l dry spell?” you must be intentional about your s-e-x life. To that end, plan and schedule a time to connect with each other for sex and dates and se-x-y dates. This will give you something to look forward to and also create anticipation, which is one of the major components of desire.

According to psychologist Jack Morin, who wrote “The Erotic Mind,” the formula for desire is shockingly simple: attraction + obstacles = excitement. Long-distance has plenty of obstacles or “erotic obstruction,” as AV Flox has put it, built in. So focus on keeping the attraction going with texting, sexting, complimenting, fantasy sharing, photo sharing, audio recordings, stripteases, watching porn together, etc. — in whatever medium you like. Or in every medium!

You can also build attraction further by creating still more obstacles, which is something my girlfriend uses with merciless abandon. Come up with s-e-x-y rules that you and your lady have to follow. Perhaps you can only masturbate when you’re “together” (online or on the phone). Perhaps you tell each other what to wear or what toys you can use or that you have to share a detailed fantasy every time you go to the gym/drink coffee/walk the dog. Perhaps you stop masturbating altogether a few weeks before you see each other, to ensure you both go a little insane with anticipation and buildup. Perhaps you really do challenge each other to a strip Mario Kart contest!

Let your erotic imagination run wild. Not only will such rules keep you connected and thinking about each other, it will also help you vocalize your desires and turn-ons.

Good luck, KII!

Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, or dating? Send it below, or email redeyedating@gmail.com.